The Time I Ate A Bee

The protein isn't worth eating a bee...

Today's lesson from the life of a chunky kid comes from my illustrious soccer career.   

I was a fat kid that liked to read and watch television while consuming massive amounts of empty calories.  Even as a sluggardly chunky kid, however, I did play soccer for about 8 years.  I really liked playing.  In my final years as I began to put on weight, I became a lethargic defense player.  I could no longer keep up with the other kids with the running.  Heat and inability to breathe would overtake me.  As a result, the coaches would put me in the only position that I could handle.  Because of my size, I would be more intimidating to the approaching offense from the other team.  If they ran right to me and we collided, they would be going down.  If not, there was no way that I could catch up to them.  So, what began as a promising sports adventure ended as the lethargic defense player that took the penalty kicks and stood around near the goalie.

My soccer career was fun but rather uneventful.  In fact, the one major highlight from my soccer career involved sitting on the sidelines and eating.  It is the one clear memory from my soccer career that is burned into my memory even today.

And yes, I was eating on the sidelines.  In my defense, it was at least a healthy piece of orange and not the usual suspects of candy or chips. This is what a fat kid gets for trying to eat something healthy!

During our soccer games, moms would bring cut up oranges for us to eat during the breaks of the game.  Now oranges weren’t that exciting to me.  I was probably disappointed when I realized that when they said “oranges” they meant real ones and not the sugarcoated candy ones that I enjoyed.  But yet, like most chunky kids, I wasn’t about to resist any kind of food offered to me (with the exceptions of brussel sprouts and asparagus.)  

On this particular day like so many before, I enthusiastically grabbed a few pieces of orange and then headed for the bench.  So excited was I to consume some food that I thrust that piece of orange into my mouth with the rapidity of a cheetah.  In fact, in my mind I remember running faster when halftime was called then I ever did during our running laps in practice or during the actual game.  Food was on the line and just in case the mom on duty didn’t prepare properly, I wanted to make sure I got something to eat.  I was famished after all.  All of this being outside and moving around in the sunshine took a  lot more out of you than watching the Transformers on television while lying on the couch.

In my haste to enjoy my citrus wedge of orange juice, apparently my keen skills of observation missed a key detail on this day.  A bee had discovered my orange slice as well.  Giddy with excitement on the citrus treasure that he found in the middle of the landfill-laden land of New Jersey, he descended upon the slice in a brief moment of pure bee contentment.  If that bee had a communication device, he was probably letting the colony know that they had happened upon a citrus grove and it was going to be a delicious feast tonight!

Mr. Bee was likely giddy until the slice upon which he was lounging on was tossed into the mouth of an obese 10-year-old boy.  Suddenly his tropical paradise became a plaque-covered hell of gnashing teeth and waves of spit.  Imagine his horror as I attempted to eat him.  Like so many Doritos before him, he was now in a category 5 level disaster. 

Like any good bee, he had but one choice: he had to fight back.  Knowing that stinging me would result in his own death, he knew that he had a duty to his Queen to fight back against the obese giant that sought to eat his colony.  He might be dying upon a slice of orange, but he was going to take this nefarious soccer playing giant down with him.

So, in his final moments of life on this earth that September day in 1986, this bee took to the field of battle one last time in defense of his colony.  He thrust his stinger into my tongue and in the ensuing chaos, he found his opening to fly out of my mouth and die with dignity somewhere else on the field.

Meanwhile, on my end, I had been enjoying a deliciously juicy burst of orange juice from the slice when suddenly a sharp terror-inducing pain began in my tongue.  Suddenly, I could feel something bug-like crawling around in my mouth.  The horror of a bug in my mouth was enough to cease all eating operations immediately.  As I opened my mouth in horror to scream, the little bee flew out and my terror soared on the wind with him.

Realizing that you were in the process of eating a bee is something that turns even the most insatiable stomachs.  Terror had usurped my appetite and left me wondering whether the world was over or not.   No doubt many parents that evening were using this teachable moment to lecture their children about the dangers of obesity.

“Did you see what happened to that fat kid Billy?  He was so hungry he attempted to eat a bee!  I hope you see how important it is to maintain a good diet and exercise.  You don’t want to eat a bee like Billy.”

Whatever the impact of my cautionary tale of obese kids chowing down on insects at public sporting events was, for me the result was embarrassment and a break from soccer.  For the remainder of the game, I sat on the sidelines with a swollen tongue hanging out of my mouth and tears running down my cheeks.  Terrified by the horrors that had befallen me, I swore an oath to stop eating healthy food like fruit.  Candy and chips never tried to kill me.  Sure, the bee was to blame, but the scapegoat in my mind was the slice of orange.  I secretly hoped for a slow and painful death for the evil bee as I watched my team finish the game that my sloth-like tongue prevented me to participate in and quietly vowed not to eat oranges ever again except in soda, juice or candy form.

RANDOM ATTEMPT TO TIE INTO FAITH:






Psalm 118:12 says  "They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the LORD I cut them off."

Job 8:21 says that he will not fill your mouth with bees but that "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

Sometimes you will just be eating a luscious orange and a bee will try to kill you.  Sometimes the enemy will prowl around like an unseen bee ready to strike when you least suspect it.  Let your attitude be that of the bee, undaunted by the menacing obese giant consuming him, he fought until the end.  No matter how great the obese giant facing you seems, he's probably ready for a nap.  The Lord can deliver you from the mouth of an obese giant or protect you from the sting of an unseen pollen-covered enemy!  

In all seriousness, things will sting you to take the joy out of life.  Don't let them.  God has bigger plans for you than consuming bees and swollen tongues!  It's very hard sometimes to hold onto a joyful spirit when the cares of life choke them from you.  I can look back now and laugh at myself consuming a bee.  At the time I was miserable.  It's important to not find our joy in our comfort and personal desires.  Our joy should come from the Lord.  In all circumstances we can have joy if we keep our heart focused on God and others instead of ourselves.  It's not lost on me that joy is a fruit of the spirit and I was eating a bee on a piece of fruit.  Often, the enemy will try to scare you or hurt you into not bearing fruit.  In this world you will have trouble, but stay true to your faith and don't let the hostility of the world to steal your joy--even when a bee stings your tongue.